I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You're like the curious george of whores
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It's blow job season.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
