You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
