Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
