There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
