She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
