Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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