Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
