I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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