mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
