Umm I'm too high to move.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
