his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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