im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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