Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
