Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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