You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize