we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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