kristin has been a bad kristin
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
