walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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