I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
