I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
