another moral hangover. fuck.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
