Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If I die, sorry about rent.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
