God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
