you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
