Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
