Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
wow bdsm is so cute
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
