Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
