It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
