Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
