the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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