Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Someone signed my nipple.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
