Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
