found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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