Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When did angry sex become our thing?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
