thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize