His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
