so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
