At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
