I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
