My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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