i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
