True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
