He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
