"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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