GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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