I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
