He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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