he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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