im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
