Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
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