I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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