He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
