u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
