I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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