I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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