Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize