I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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