I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
